Sure-Fire Strategy for '08 Presidential Hopefuls....

Want to drop your cushy ass in the Big Chair this year? Wanna see what it's like to get oral in the Oval? Just follow King Rat's Easy Prez Plan, and your spot in American History textbooks is set in concrete.

1. Promise to treat celebrities like people.
---When Brit goes crazy, lock her ass up for more than an hour. We've all seen domestic disputes on COPS. We know you can do it.
---Money does not make the law. Neither do lawyers. When Lindsay Lohan gets drunk and chases people in her SUV, put her in jail for more than an hour. When her lawyers show up, toss them in the cell for being criminally retarded.
---Deport Paris Hilton. Just for fun.
---And for God's sake, arrest OJ.

2. Promise to treat rich people like people.
---Taxes are taxes. We all live in America. We should all pay American taxes.
---Just because you can afford Johnny Cochran does not mean you are innocent. With enough money, you can be caught with a dead hooker in the trunk of the car you dumped in a lake, and still hold a political office!

3. Promise to treat criminals like criminals.
---Make up your mind. Alcohol kills people who use it, as well as people who don't. Marijuana does neither. So, either bring back prohibition, or legalize marijuana. Either way, get all those small time pot violators out of prison and stop the ridiculously expensive and ludicrously ineffective War On Drugs.
---I'm not racist. I'm anti-criminal. Illegal immigrants are just that. ILLEGAL. Send them home. Relax immigration policies if you want. Make the process of applying for citizenship more streamlined. But please send the criminals home. We have enough of our own.

4. Promise educational reform
---I have family members who are teachers. I respect them. I do NOT respect the way the No Child Left Behind policies (among others) are castrating our public education system. There are people who have been ALLOWED to progress to high school who can not read. There are people who graduate from high school without being able to pass BASIC SKILLS TESTS. And all because we want to be able to show ON PAPER that more of our students are progressing and graduating. Good thing we're not telling whether or not they actually learned anything.

5. Promise to make SUV's illegal
---Okay, perhaps not. Maybe just slap on a monthly Idiot Tax, which will then be used to pay for crude oil.

6. Promise not to buy crude for $100 a barrel.
---I got news, guys. America has enough oil to last way past the standarization of alternate fuel automobiles. Open up the wells in Texas and Alaska, tell Exxon Mobile to suck a fat one, and roll out those fossil-fuel-free cars you've been spooking the patents for since the 50's. Even if it's not 100% successful, foreign oil will get TONS cheaper once Big Daddy America quits paying for it. Supply, demand, you know, the stuff we learned in high school? Oh, yeah, I forgot. Promise #4.

7. Promise NOT to try Bush and Cheney for war crimes and general breach of trust, treason, and a whole bunch of other stuff they did while we were all watching.
---We all know they did it. Promise instead to just skip the trial and publicly torture them to death on the White House lawn on live TV.

8. Promise sweeping mainstream media reform.
---We're tired of extremist, fear-mongering, totally uninformative/misleading news. Either release your stranglehold on the media and require Big Business to do the same, or abolish it completely. No news is better than fake news.

Well, there you have it. Any candidate who made even HALF of those promises would immediately win the election. We wouldn't even NEED an election, because all the competition would instantly drop out of the race in fear. Any opponents of such a presidential candidate would likely be immediately killed just so they couldn't accidentally win the election.